Definition:
Domination and submission (also known as D&s, Ds or D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of dominance of one individual over another in an erotic or lifestyle context.
D/s is often referred to as the "mental" side of BDSM. Physical contact is not a necessity, and can even be conducted anonymously over telephone, email or (more recently) instant messaging services. In other cases it can be intensely physical, sometimes traversing into sadomasochism. In D/s, one takes pleasure or erotic enjoyment out of either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called Dominants, Doms (male) or Dommes (female), while those who take the subordinate position are called subs or submissives (male or female). A switch is an individual who plays in either role. Two switches together may negotiate and exchange roles several times in a session. "Dominatrix" is a term usually reserved for a female professional dominant that dominates others for pay.
Overview:
Dominance and submission, and the inner conflict and surrender connected with these are enduring themes in human culture and civilization. Human beings share with many other mammals the instinct to look up to certain individuals who become leaders through strength of will and personality, to lead or follow, and to submit or dominate. In human sexuality this has broadened to include mutual exploration of roles, emotions and activities that would be difficult or impossible to do without a willing partner taking an opposing role.
D/s is often described by what it is not. It deals with representations of brutality and cruelty, and the emotional responses to them, but adherents are quick to point out that D/s is not about acts of true brutality and cruelty. It is based on a deep ethos of mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions brought up by brutality and cruelty can take place in a safe, sane and consensual manner. D/s may be ritualized or freeform. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits and needs in order to find commonality. A D/s relationship may be sexual or non-sexual, long or short term, and intimate or anonymous. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.
Relationships:
In some D/s relationships a partner only submits occasionally and with definite short-term goals, perhaps for an evening or the duration of a party.
In other relationships, there may be an ongoing (not scene- or play-specific) power exchange between or among partners in a committed relationship, often involving love and servitude and enacted in ways throughout the relationship. Some D/s relationships may be compared to the idealized marriages portrayed in older television programs, in which one partner is domestic and service-oriented and the other partner is the provider, protector, and household authority. BDSM may otherwise be deliberately and consciously incorporated into the relationship, or it may focus wholly on power exchange.
Some people may opt for the Master or Mistress/slave model, in which consent is negotiated once for a long period and the consent given is generally broader. Slave contracts may be used. Where the contract is in effect continuously, the relationship is referred to as "24/7". The limits of the slave contract can vary widely and extend into other areas of BDSM. Some people opt to be purely "sex slaves", while others who prefer domestic service identify as "service slaves". Some slaves allow their Masters or Mistresses complete latitude as to the demands that can be placed on them. Such a relationship is known as Total Power Exchange or TPE.
People usually only enter into a Master/slave contract after they have known and played with each other for some time, often several years. It can be one of the most difficult relationships in the BDSM world to maintain, and requires special skills and experience.
Collars:
Many submissives and slaves wear a "collar" to denote their status and commitment. It can be much like a wedding band, except that only the submissive partner wears one. The traditional collar is a neck band in leather or metal, chosen, designed or even crafted by the Dominant partner. Some subs wear a "symbolic collar", often a bracelet or ankle chain, which is more subdued than the traditional collar and can pass in vanilla (non-BDSM) situations. It is not uncommon for a sub to have several collars for special occasions.
There was once a tradition that wearing a collar with an open padlock indicated that one was seeking a partner, a closed lock indicated that one was in a relationship. This symbolism became less common after 1995 or so.
Many people, for example some of those in the punk rock and goth subcultures, wear collars for other reasons such as fashion; so one cannot assume that all people wearing collars are involved in BDSM. Members of the furry fandom may also wear collars as a part of costuming or as a fashion. Use of collars in the sexual aspects of furry lifestyle may or may not be connected to BDSM depending on the individual's preferences.
BDSM vs. Abuse
BDSM
* BDSM is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* D/s is a controlled environment
* D/s has safe words to stop the scene
* In a D/s scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* D/s can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In D/s both partners are enjoying themselves
* In D/s the dominant respects limits
* In D/s there is mutual respect
* In D/s the relationship is fulfilling
* In D/s both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In D/s one can ask their partner to "play"
* In D/s relationship there is trust
* In D/s a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* D/s is about building trust
* D/s builds self esteem
* D/s builds the spirit of a submissive
Abuse
* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated.
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim
BDSM
* BDSM is based on the safe, sane, consensual theory
* D/s is a controlled environment
* D/s has safe words to stop the scene
* In a D/s scene the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
* D/s can be an erotic sexual encounter
* In D/s both partners are enjoying themselves
* In D/s the dominant respects limits
* In D/s there is mutual respect
* In D/s the relationship is fulfilling
* In D/s both parties feel they contribute towards the relationships
* In D/s one can ask their partner to "play"
* In D/s relationship there is trust
* In D/s a submissive voluntarily serves the dominant
* D/s is about building trust
* D/s builds self esteem
* D/s builds the spirit of a submissive
Abuse
* Abuse is not negotiated
* Abuse is an out of control environment
* Abuse does not have safe words
* An abuser does not give a damn about the victim
* Abuse is always one sided
* Abuse is never negotiated.
* In abuse, no one is enjoying the results
* The abuser is into non consensual violence
* The victim has no respect towards the abuser
* In abuse the victim is harmed
* In abuse both parties are left unfulfilled
* The abuser always feel they are superior
* A person does not ask for abuse
* In an abusive relationship there is no trust
* The abuser does not care for consent
* Abuse has no trust
* Abuse destroys self esteem
* An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim
